Crazy Libra Life

I know this may be a really petty thing, but I still get jealous when people say they like him and want to be with him. Like I know that he said he doesn’t want a relationship and everything and that he won’t get with anyone, but before when people said stuff like that, I could just be like “whatever, I have him” and now I can’t say that and I’m worried he’ll give them a try which will hurt our relationship and drive me crazy.

Part of me thinks that I shouldn’t feel this way because I should be moving on, but the other part still can’t see the difference in our relationship. I feel better about things, but I’m still really confused.

royallyflushed asked: Your stories are similar to mine. I am a libra as well. What sign is your boyfriend?

He’s a gemini. It’s making for a weird balance right now, :P

Maybe I am thinking about this a little too much. But it’s just that it bothers me so much and I can’t get past it.

Our relationship has shifted and things are different, but our base still hasn’t moved and it’s bothering the shit out of me. Not that the base hasn’t moved, but that I feel like that is not being acknowledged. We still love each other and there is still a tough connection. The more we talk, the more we connect and I don’t see how that is ever going to change. 

It is one thing to break up and still be friends. With that sort of thing you both agree that you aren’t working and you both want something different with different people involved. That is not our situation. I understand that he wants to see other people and that he wants a whole bunch of relationships before he picks just one. Like I really get that and I understand it and it’s fine. If that was all I was dealing with, I would probably not be writing this post. What’s getting to me is the fact that he is intent on keeping me with him no matter what, but then treats that like it’s nothing.

It’s a big something.

On top of that, there is this intense feeling in me that seeing anyone else for myself is just a huge waste of time. And not saying that he won’t learn anything from the people he dates after me, because he will and it will be a great experience for him, but I have a huge feeling that if he keeps me around like this, we’re just going to end up back together anyway. Why go through all those people and turning them all away when all that you want is right in front of you.

And this feeling doesn’t come from a place of peeved-ex-girlfriend. It comes from the place in my heart and my head that are never wrong about my life. I know that I can find someone else. I know that if I do find someone else things will work out and I will be happy. But I’ll still think about him. I’ll still want him. I’ll still wonder about what he’s doing and who he’s with and most likely I will be the first to know about everything that’s going on with him. Even before whoever he’s with.

At the end of the day, I just don’t want anything to be thrown away. If you feel something, let yourself feel it. Why just shy away from everything and throw away a seven year friendship for people you’ve known 5 minutes? I just don’t understand and I want to know what’s being kept from me.

Something needs to change, and soon. I hate being in this stupid limbo thing. No matter how many times I tell myself that this is a good thing and that this will eventually bring us closer together, this just doesn’t feel right. I feel like if I keep this up until I leave, I will regret it and I don’t want to live my life with regrets. 

This is just stupid. How are we going to have the same feelings for each other, and then just not act on them? It’s just like we’re waiting for the feelings we have to subside and that’s just dumb. If something isn’t broken, don’t try to break it just because you can. I just feel like we’re throwing us away and I don’t know what needs to change…but it’s something.

All I know is that I’m not happy.

That post was forever long. Sorry guys. It was good to get it out, though. You should have seen me write it. Most dramatic thing in my life, by far.

Throughout this break (or whatever) so far, I have learned so much about myself and who I am and what I want to do with myself. But in the past few days, I’ve realized something that’s breaking me a little.

I am truly in love with him, and it’s not like anything that’s publicized and sold to us through the media. It doesn’t need flowers every Valentine’s Day or a present every Christmas. There’s no talk of marriage and babies after three months of knowing each other. It’s deep and it’s unforgiving and it shows who you really are as a person even when you’re caring for another person. With real love, there is simply a connection. Not like being around them 24/7 or pining after them when they’re away from you. With real love, you can give them a look and they know exactly what you mean. There are tones in your voice that only they can unlock the codes to.

I just think he’s beautiful.

Everything he does makes me smile, even the pain in the ass things, because only he would do that. I don’t care if he’s away from me, I don’t care what he’s thinking, I don’t care if he sees another person. If I know that somewhere out there he’s smiling and living his life to the fullest, that’s enough for me. I just want him to be happy. 

I wish I would have noticed this two months ago.

I wish I could have told him while I could still hold him close to me and not be this awkward gangly thing together. I mean, I still will tell him because everyone deserves to know when they are loved like that, but I just wish it would have come sooner. The only thing that hurts about this is that I think he is so beautiful and awesome and amazing, and I don’t really think he feels the exact same for me…

But even though this part of love really hurts, don’t believe it when people say “love hurts” or “love will tear you apart” or “love is hard” because those are ugly things. Love is the easiest thing that human beings can go through. It doesn’t take work or effort. It just takes the two of you being there. You could fight everyday and disagree on things and hate each other’s friends or habits or whatever. But at the end of the day, if you love that person, none of that matters to you and all those arguments are pointless because you just want to see them smile.

For those of you out there with someone in your life who you can cuddle and kiss and say “I love you” to, don’t take them for granted. Tell them how you feel everyday and make sure you spend as much time as your heart desires with them. Life is too short to take away the kind of happiness that love gives you.

So I wrote this long letter to T the other day. It was all about how I didn’t want any barriers between us. I felt like I was just lying to myself whenever I tried not to kiss him or had second thoughts about saying things to him. I feel that our relationship (whatever it is) works best when we’re just free with each other, when we don’t expect anything but love from each other and just do what we want.

I felt really empowered after I sent it to him, and still do, because I feel like I’m taking control. I feel like I took what I wanted and now I feel so free because I made that choice. The only problem I have is that he really didn’t say anything about it. I mean, that doesn’t change the way I feel about being around him or whatever, I just want to know how he feels. 

Sometimes it feels like there’s this big reason for everything and it’s just not being let out. I feel like there’s so much that I don’t know and that he’s not telling me. I don’t know. On some points it doesn’t matter because whatever I’m gonna do whatever the fuck I want, but on the other hand I just kind of want to know what’s going on.

Blah. Girl rant.

Friends have your back. Period.

No matter what, if you call someone a friend, you should be able to count on them to be there for you. I understand that some friends may be closer than others because you’ve known them longer, or you have a better connection with them, etc. But all friends should be there for you.

They should make you laugh. They should listen to the things that are important to you. They should be excited when great things happen to you and help you adjust to the changes those new great things might bring with them.

Friends communicate with you in a way that makes you feel light and comforted. Friends are like giant blankets and cooked marshmallows. Friends are just the shit and really the best part of life. Love your friends forever and you will never want for anything.

This is such an ugly word in my case. I mean, some people do go through break-ups. It’s nasty and horrible and people cry all over the place and get hurt and things are just broken. But in my case, nothing really broke. Me and T are still best friends and have the same sort of connection that we did in the past. The only reason that we’re apart right now is because we realized that the relationship was going in a direction that would strain our friendship. And above everything else, friendship is the best thing you can have with anyone. It doesn’t matter how much love you have for someone, if you’re not friends, you have a shit ton of issues.

So, I think I’m going to come up with a new name for break-up in my book. I already can’t stand to call T my “ex” cuz that brings up all kinds of connotations like I hate him and we’re never going to be close again. So in place of break-up, I think I’m going to call this…I don’t really know. Maybe a restructuring? But that’s not really it either I don’t think. I feel like we’re just making each other stronger by being by ourselves if that makes any sense. Like, by being alone, we’re becoming stronger people and by becoming stronger people we will become closer to each other because there will just be less to hide and more to talk about.

Idfk. As I go through more of these posts, maybe I’ll come up with something.